Another Scandal on the Hill

For six years now, Sen. Nilson Sipchuck  (R) has denied accusations that he repeatedly pilfered tongue depressors, surgical gloves, and digital thermometers from the offices of family-practice physicians.

From the start, fellow Republicans and Sipchuck's wife Delton have faithfully stood by the beleaguered senator, arguing that he is "a man of integrity, of loyalty to God, to family and to country, and usually in that order."

Yesterday, however, CCTV cameras revealed Sen. Sipchuck had indeed stolen "at least three bushels" of the abovementioned medical supplies. In a tearful confession in front cameras of all the major networks except FoxNews, the senator admitted to taking not only tongue depressors, surgical gloves and thermometers, but "twelve cases of Q-tips, a stethoscope and that little hammer doctors use to text your reflexes."

His voice trembling with emotion, Sen. Sipchuck told reporters, "Now that I've been caught, I take full responsibility for my actions, and I humbly ask forgiveness from my loving wife of six months, her children by another marriage, my children from my first marriage, and the three, that I know of, resulting from an extended but torrid friendship with that one waitress at the Grabbit'n'Growl Grits Cafe.

Don't Google "squirrel w/ nuts," incidentally

"I also apologize to all those who contributed to my campaign and to all the hardworking Americans who voted for me repeatedly even when my enemies, in a blatant act of left-wing conspiracy, accused me of the crimes I just confessed to. God bless each and everyone you. You're what make this great country of ours such a great country."

When asked why he needed the medical supplies, Mr. Sipchuck said that, because there may eventually be an investigation, he could not go into detail, but admitted "they were used to conduct an experiment involving squirrels and their nuts, esp. acorns."

Sipchuck added that his work with squirrels was done in "an effort to create more jobs for regular, normal, everyday Americans who have a natural curiosity about one of this great nation's most beloved tree rodents."

Mr. Sipchuck left the press conference weeping bitter tears of shame. Hours later, his lead over the challenger for his senate seat, Anastasia KryzenVane (D), leapt from seven points to 12.